If you are newlyweds or have been “together” forty years or more such as I have, you will often encounter times when you need and appreciate some help around the house from your spouse. Husbands are notorious for delegating their time between work, sports, television, and sex and not necessarily in that order. Whether you are a full time house wife and mother, work part time (at home or away), or have a full time job that takes up much of your daily hours you can always benefit from extra hands for housework and other chores. But getting that help from your husband often involves a bit of game playing and conniving before he’s convinced you really mean it. In other words, his priorities are different than yours and even if his wife works as many hours as he does, thousands of years of ruling the “man cave” simply don’t allow him to wash a dish or make a bed. But there is hope for modern man through some creative encouragement and plain old bribery. Let’s look at some pretty good suggestions that work on those stubborn hubbies who fail to notice their frazzled spouse’s complaints.

Getting him to “see the light” (or the dust)

Men don’t see the dust on the television until it detracts from the picture when he’s watching football on Sunday afternoon. They can’t help themselves, it’s simply something in the DNA that prevents them from seeing the obvious. Buy a feather duster and ask him to dust a bit for you as you run the vacuum, or even better… ask him to vacuum as you dust. Either way you are doing chores together and that can even lead to rewards (sexually) because you’re bound to bump into each other and then the fun begins. Convincing him to help by asking works as long as you can make light of it and he thinks it’s a game and not work. Sound like we’re talking about kids here? Or even training a dog? Well the same psychology applies but you need to be subtle about it with men. Men will respond but they definitely don’t understand mind reading, so ask him to help and he will gladly comply.

Never NAG at him!

Even though he’s dense as a fence post he will notice when you are nagging him, and no one appreciates a nag. Ask about hiring help and he’ll likely find the time to do more chores himself. Making up a “honey do” list will often help him see the obvious and pitch in. Asking him to paint the kitchen or fix that leaky bathroom faucet will give his macho side the opportunity to show off a little and you can reward him after with his favorite dinner or even massaging his sore back after all that strain beneath the sink or painting the walls.

Sit down and talk over the task situation

Discussing sharing household tasks works best before either of you get stuck in a rut. Men often don’t realize just how much work is involved in keeping the house in order because his wife simply keeps it up and running efficiently enough so that it is not all that obvious. It takes time and some effort to run the vacuum, wash the laundry, fold and maybe iron clothing, dust the furniture and shelves, wash the windows, change the bedding, cook dinner, wash the dishes, and shop for groceries. When a woman also holds down a full time job she just doesn’t have time to do it all and do it well. Discussing all that needs to be done each week, then delegating a certain amount of it to the hubby will give him a sense of purpose and when you allow him to choose which chores he prefers to do, will make it seem more like his idea in the first place. Make a list and put it down on paper, then have him pick out some he knows he can handle.

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

The expression “men are from Mars” is actually true! Men seem to be wired differently than women and while they don’t communicate their needs well they also fail in the “input” department of husband and wife conversations. It takes encouragement to make him see how overloaded his wife is, especially if she’s a stay at home wife and mother. She may not need to leave the home for an 8 to 5 but her duties keep her on the go all day long. Sometimes the best place to have a conversation about the household chores is in bed.

The best chefs are men but too many of them spoil the….

Men love to eat and if you help him learn how, he may turn into a great short order chef or even a master cook. Helping with the menu and then doing prep work will save time and add an exciting element to your nightly meals. Men can chop, peel, pare, and stir quite well and as they do they’ll be able to add a lot to the meal. Show him there is more in the kitchen than a microwave oven and you’ve started him on a great culinary expedition. Encourage him to taste and then add some ingredients or spices to everyday dishes and he may surprise you with a new side to him, one that is creative and daring.

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Becoming pregnant means we worry about every little ache and pain and even if we’ve had a baby before, it becomes a time of concern if pain becomes severe, particularly pain in the pubic or pelvic area. Probably all women experience back pain while pregnant, especially during those last few months when baby is growing rapidly and putting our body off balance. Heartburn, swollen feet, and even an upset stomach are “rights of passage” that most women simply must endure from time to time but true pain, especially in the area just below where the baby lies can be scary.

Fear of a premature childbirth causes concern

Whether this is baby number one or there have been several previous pregnancies women worry when they feel cramps or pains low in the pelvic area. Concern that the baby will come too early and that there will be complications is normal and to be expected when pain occurs. But a trip to your doctor or obstetrician will help relieve the worry. Commonly the muscles surrounding the abdominal area will stretch as pregnancy progresses. As the uterus also expands it can cause twinges of pain and the exact origin may not be easy to locate. Think of these as muscular bands like big rubber bands that are designed to stretch and accommodate that growing fetus. It is totally normal to feel twinges of pain due to that stretching but if that pain becomes severe or heavy bleeding does occur do call your doc for advice.

Body stretches to accommodate eminent birth

Worry about every ache and pain will only make the mother tense and on edge. So each time she worries it becomes a time of stress that increases the pain she’s feeling. It’s easy to simply say it will pass but sometimes the pain is a sign that something not quite normal in the way the baby is “laying” in the womb. One cause, although rarely encountered, is called symphysis pubis diastasis which is the medical term for a slight separation of the pubic bones. This slight opening in the joint that separates one side of the pelvic ring from the other can cause severe pain but it seldom lasts and is a part of the birthing process when the opening must widen in order for the baby to pass through and be born. The joints and even the bowels will relax as Progesterone levels increase when delivery is near. Constipation is a common occurrence when a woman is pregnant and that ties in with the joint problems encountered with pubic pain during pregnancy. It is uncomfortable but provides a sign that the pregnancy is right on schedule.

Back pain is to be expected

The common complaint of back pain is due to pressure on the sacroiliac joints which are found on either side at lower back area and the cause is generally due to pressure from the fetus and expanding uterus. Women who develop a urinary tract infection (common in pregnant women) may also feel painful twinges or sharp stabbing pains in the lower pubic area. A quick check will determine if the cause is an infection and it will be remedied by a mild antibiotic.

Exercise can often relieve pain and discomfort

When a woman begins to “show” and her abdomen expands she will be put somewhat off balance due to her expanding girth. Exercise to strengthen back and abdominal muscles will help insure she has a relatively pain free pregnancy and can be beneficial when she actually delivers too. There are plenty of exercise regimes designed specifically for pregnant women that are safe and useful to the mother as well as the baby she carries.

Obstetricians are there for expectant moms who develop pain

 When ever a pregnant woman experiences pain or has light spotting (bleeding) it becomes cause for worry and the best thing to do is give the doctor a call. He or she will most likely offer advice and maybe bed rest for a day or two. The bottom line is that mother’s need to be reassured that everything is normal and going according to plan. Having a baby is a monumental undertaking that woman have been accomplishing for thousands of year with very few problems. When a woman does feel pubic pain during pregnancy she only needs to ask her medical provider for reassurance and guidance.

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It can be compared to a devastating illness. Some call it an absolute mental roller coaster ride that never seems to end. But divorce is something over fifty percent of those who marry today may face within the next ten year. In front of the children we may whisper the D word and hope to spare them the painful emotions parents must endure. But those children are affected, make no mistake about that. Parents that have been heading toward divorce cannot completely hide their stress, hurt, and anger and kids pick up on that no matter how hard parents try to appear complacent.

Some helpful guidelines when going through a divorce include:

• Be up front with the children, especially older kids who may know very well what is going on between their parents. They will be scared and hurt, perhaps chose sides, and even accuse one parent or the other of being bad and harming the family unit.
• Both parties involved in a divorce are going to feel hurt and betrayed at some point. If there is another person involved blame will be placed by one side and guilt felt (perhaps) by the other party. This is a good time to seek out counseling, especially if you feel it’s all your fault.
• Communicate! This cannot be stressed enough. Being able to talk through the problems make them easy to manage both when divorce proceedings begin and later on when the separated parties move on to new independent lives.
• Get finances in order before the lawyers take over. If you and your spouse can still communicate, talk about how expenses will be handled, especially if there are children involved. Men who leave may leave behind a substantial financial problem for the mother to face. Even if she works her income may not cover the increased expenses involved in a household without a father.
• Men may be more emotionally affected by a divorce. While men give the impression of toughness and emotional stability they are usually softies inside. The prospect of a divorce means failure and men hate to fail. Hurt and being emotional as well as feelings of inadequacy are part of the act of separation.
• Avoid the traps that can only make life worse for a divorced person. Drinking, drugs, hiring prostitutes, and over eating (or not eating) are all possible methods of either drowning sorrows or as ways to try avoiding reality. Keeping physically healthy will help keep the mind functioning as it should and during divorce the mind needs to be as sharp as possible. Now would be the ideal time to join a health club. Exercise relieves stress and creates a renewed feeling of self control and self worth that may have been taken away due to that emotional roller coaster we call divorce.
• Seek out friends to talk with. Men especially are vulnerable to becoming closed up and keeping too much to themselves. Talk your problems over with a close friend, relative, or even a professional to air out your emotions and get some sage advice at the same time.
• Do not jump right back in to a relationship! This cannot be stressed enough. Men particularly are vulnerable to letting their emotions get the best of them and becoming involved with a new romance. While finding someone who cares is important, a man who is recently divorced may well be fragile emotionally and can possible be hurt by that substitute relationship. Take time to heal before getting overly involved again.

All the help and advice in the world will not help if you don’t want to help yourself. Take time to regain your emotional balance. Keep up communication lines with your ex. If there are children involved make sure they get plenty of attention and are included in your plans. Keep a tight rein on finances but be fair to each other. House payments and groceries will need to be top priorities for you both. You will get through this and life will eventually be better.

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Marriages seem to have certain “crisis points” that are commonly found in almost all unions. The second year of togetherness often brings on a claustrophobic feeling that one or both partners may experience. This soon passes because the bloom of love remains strong and the couple still has a lot to learn about each other. About five years later they may experience the “seven year itch” and this one can be dangerous to a relationship. They have discovered each others flaws and many times find they simply do not have as much in common as they thought. If this period is survived successfully, the couple will be too busy for the next twenty years or so raising children and working on their careers to “fret the small stuff” that arises when two individuals become one. It’s inevitable that some differences are to be found and that’s a good thing. If a pair were too much alike it would create a boring stagnant relationship that simply won’t work for long. This brings us to the midlife crisis most of us go through at some point. All of a sudden we realize we are getting older. We remind ourselves of our parents and dread that idea. Boredom has set in and the sameness we experience causes feeling of both security and claustrophobia. Some of the signals that your marriage may be in jeopardy along about age forty to fifty:

•  At this point in life women tend to become even more motherly and dote on their grand children, often excluding their husband in favor of their own interests and pursuits. She may be experiencing menopause and finds she either hates or fears sex because it may have become painful. In the meantime, her partner has found a new lease on his sexual prowess and wants more than ever before. She may tire more easily and become moody due to her “time of life” crisis.
•  Men, however, tend to worry they won’t be the sexual powerhouse they like to think they are any longer. They feel a need to prove they still can perform and that might mean they need to seek out another sexual partner. He holds nothing against the wife of many years but considers he has needs and she is busy with her life.
• At this point both partners may begin to wonder how their life could have turned out if they’d chosen someone else. Could they have been wealthier? Thinner? More successful? If they do spend time with someone else that person may laugh at their jokes more, listen and show interest more readily, and appreciate the sexual approaches with more enthusiasm than the person they have lived with for twenty or thirty some years.
• If he is ready to retire and wants to travel extensively she may decide to be a homebody and stay close to the grand kids. There needs to be a meeting of the minds and agreement should be made on just how much of their time will be spent at home and how many trips to take each year. This situation involving geography can become serious if not agreed upon soon.
• Do not be afraid to seek out professional help when your marriage becomes rocky. This midlife crisis is common and can be handled successfully with a little help and advice. If all else fails a separation may be inevitable if both partners can’t agree on how the second half of their lives will be spent. This may actually prove to be beneficial to a stagnant marriage and give each a chance to step back and look at what they want out of life. Many will find that the pursuit of dreams is mostly illusion and what they have had for all these years is the best thing for them after all.

Realizing you and your spouse will not always be in agreement is a big step toward making marriage work. We are individuals and cannot and will not become clones of one another. Those very differences are what keep life interesting and allow relationships to work, some for sixty, seventy years and even longer. Imagine being deeply loved by someone for that long? Amazing!

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He asked, you accepted. The ring has been purchased and placed on your finger. The parents, family, and friends have all been told. And now either one or both of you have decided it’s not the right time for a commitment. This can be a painful and upsetting period for everyone concerned. Parents will have their grand parenting hopes dashed, at least for now. The best friend who was anticipating becoming a bride’s maid finds herself suddenly out of a job, as does the potential best man. Life looks bleak for the young couple but when they weigh the options soon realize they made a good decision after all. If they can’t decide and commit right now they would most likely be facing a divorce sooner or later.

Someone’s always going to be hurt by a break up

When an engagement is broken someone is going to be heartbroken. Even the person who does the breaking off will feel remorse and may even regret making the announcement that results in their hopes and dreams dissolving. Breaking off an engagement means you have to start all over again in the romance department. Finding ways to ease your ex-fiancée’s pain should take priority and you actually owe them some comfort and consolation. If you both agreed amicably on calling off the wedding then it will be much easier on you both. But generally one party has cold feet and the other one is simply left out in the cold. It’s time for consolation. Let her or him know they did nothing wrong it’s just that the timing is all wrong or that you just don’t quite feel as strongly as you know you should. Better to be hurt now than later when there may be children involved and much deeper emotional ties. The friends as well as the family can be helpful now as they will help by bolstering the hurt party’s confidence when they say how much better off they are without him or her. Life will be brighter soon and they may even find someone new…. someone better for them.

Who keeps the ring?

As a rule the ring must be returned. He may not be able to return it to a store for full price because it’s been worn, but she should relinquish it because it’s only a symbol of a love and commitment that is no longer there. If there has been an engagement party and gifts were given they should be returned to the givers if at all possible. Many times those gift givers do not want their presents returned so they can then be kept by whichever party wants them. Practical gifts such as cookware and bedding come in handy even for single people. But they should ask and offer to return each gift instead of just automatically keeping it. They were gifts but they were given with the objective of a marriage in mind. Depending on how close to the actual marriage date the break up occurred, there may be a wedding dress ordered, invitations printed, reservations (with deposit) on a church or wedding chapel, and if there is a registry with silver or china already ordered it gets even more complicated financially as well as emotionally.

Who’s to blame for the broken engagement?

If the break up was amicable the results will be far easier on both parties. Just saying it simply will not work over the long haul is a common reason and when both sides fall out of love they must realize it was never “true” love to begin with. The breaking off part often involves the fact a couple have become complacent and stuck in a rut together. This can be a good thing when there is a dedicated commitment and deep love between them. But if those emotions are only one sided or temporary then now is the time to end it.

They must both realize that nether one is to blame, it just happened. Friends will be extremely valuable about now for someone who has been hurt by the break up. Family can console but it may take a friends shoulder to cry on before the hurt can begin to heal. Getting back into the social circle will help those hurt feelings pass more quickly. The party who has been emotionally jilted must realize they are not at fault, just that they weren’t the right one and another will come along that will be a much better fit. Ultimately the only one who loses in this situation is the one who did the breaking off and they will one day realize their error.

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So you think you have found the ever-elusive L-O-V-E. The birds have been chirping for days and it seems that new flowers bloom even in the fall. You can’t see yourself spending your life with anyone else but the Mr. Wonderful who is sitting in front of you right now, enjoying a seasonal latte at your favorite local coffee shop (that you found together). He’s clean, caring, compassionate, and (dare I say it) HE COOKS! He’s everything you’ve imagined that your knight in shining armor would be and more.
You are so sure that he’s the one until your best friend asks the dreaded question: “Do you think you two will get married soon?” Your mind resorts to chaos. The question can’t be answered too quickly. Love is one thing but MARRIAGE is totally different – especially to men. You are ready for the walk down the aisle, but is he? Really, how will you know if you will ever get the proposal you’ve been wanting?
Every relationship is different, but these are some warning signs that your man is probably not going to make the marriage move anytime soon:
1. The topic of marriage makes him uncomfortable.  You two watching a romantic comedy where the ending is a marriage and “Happily ever after.” You smile in delight and look over at him and notice that he is frowning in disbelief. You invite him to be your guest at your coworker’s wedding, and he makes a terrible excuse as to why he can’t attend (“I have to wash my hair”). While having a great Sunday stroll together through the mall you notice that he speeds up the pace in order to walk past the bridal boutique.  He may be open and say things like “marriage is not for people like me.” Unless he’s giving mixed signals, he is probably not ready for marriage yet if he doesn’t feel comfortable in situations that reek of marriage undertones.

2. He talks about marriage, but with lofty language or in non-concrete terms. If your honey is using phrases like “I’d love to get married if I won the lottery” or “Maybe one day when I’m old and ready to settle down…” it means he is not ready for a marriage commitment in the near future. He probably sees himself having to accomplish certain goals first. If a man has not done everything on his “premarital to do list” he will be less likely to want to marry. At any rate, if you find that your honey has not accomplished his major goals yet, allow him time to do so. You do not want to feel that you have hindered him from making his dreams come true by forcing marriage.

3. He says he wants to marry you, but seems to make one excuse after another for why he can’t marry you right now. Much like the above circumstance, if a man makes many excuses as to why he can’t marry you in the near future, it means that he has not achieved what he wants on his “to do list.” When a man is ready for marriage, there is really no stopping him. If he uses phrases that seem to be more along the lines of excuses and lean less toward actual reasons for why he can’t pop the question, he probably stalling for time. Be careful of the stall technique – you could end up dating for years and never see a ring. If you are willing to put in the years with him and wait it out, he may decide one day to marry you. Chances are that he will not marry you. It is all a game of odds, and every man is different.

If you see yourself and your honey in any of the situations above, it is likely that he is not ready for marriage. Depending on your goals and your feelings for him, this may be okay for you. Some women feel that it is better to end a relationship that is not going to lead directly to marriage in order to save valuable “Husband finding time.” Others feel that part of the fun in finding a husband is getting to experience wonderful short term loves that will lead you to more self-awareness and a broader understanding of the male species. You should decide for yourself what your end results will be, and have fun on the journey to finding that “happily ever after!”

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