HEALTH TIPS, GUIDES AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Dos and Don’ts For Dating Dads

First rule of dating as a dad: Yes, you are welcome to do whatever you wish with whomever you wish—on your own time.  If, however, you are newly divorced and the children are coping with an emotional tsunami, then step-up, man-up, and minster to the children’s needs before you deal with your own.  In many cases, children blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, imagining that, had they behaved differently, their families would remain intact.  Before you introduce all the complications of dating into your life with your children, take the time—however long it takes—to help the kids make peace with their parents’ break-up.  Show that you are a parent by exercising prudence and patience at every stage of the process.

Man-up: Be patient and honest.

Even the “worst case scenario” ultimately is redeemable if you manage time, place, and circumstance with patience, sensitivity, and honesty.  Your kids do not want you to bare your soul to them, but they want you to show sufficient respect that you will tell them the truth—no whitewash, and no wallowing in guilt, but a reasonable explanation of the facts and feelings.  If your marriage fell apart because you had an affair and you now intend a long-term, committed relationship with the “other” woman, show sufficient patience and self-restraint to take the new romance slowly and cautiously.  Go deliberately, carefully for your own sake and especially for your children’s sake.  Never-ever persist in the naïve idea that your children have no clue about what has gone on, because very little escapes their notice, and they make sense of grown-ups behavior with a kind of primitive wisdom that would drop your jaw if they  ever put the words to it.  Take time to secure your relationship with the children before you bring any other person into the mix, proceeding in “baby steps,” because the kids inevitably regard your new partner as a hideous mix of Cruella DeVille and the Wicked Witch of the West.

The kids come first.

Especially if you have America’s “standard” visitation rights—one school night each week and every other weekend—you must give the kids your undivided attention during their visits.  Allow no distraction.  Brook no diversion.  It is all about the kids.  At first, the kids will dread their visits at your new house, because it reminds them of the radical change that has shaken their lives and faith to the foundations.  You can, however, seize opportunities to make the visits special and meaningful—not by staging great adventures or spoiling the kids, but by showing them that the structure, stability, and traditions remain intact, the rules do not change.  Do not make the fatal mistake of introducing a new girlfriend at the same time you introduce new surroundings and a new routine; instead, respect the children’s need for continuity.  Similarly, do not make the fatal mistake of letting the new girlfriend distract you from the children and their needs, texting your way through dinner at Chili’s and leaving them alone in the bathtub while you go to visit your Facebook.  If you want your children ultimately to accept and embrace your new girlfriend, you first must assure them that nothing and no one takes precedence over them.  More than your words, your actions must show you you’re your children most of all. 

A litmus test of the new girlfriend’s values.

Meanwhile, you will learn a great deal about your new girlfriend’s values and expectations as you watch her response to your assigning priority to the kids.  You have reason to expect a woman to respect your devotion to your family; and, although she may describe her eagerness to become a part of the family and the fun times you share, the new girlfriend ought to show her understanding of and patience with the process.  If the new girlfriend pouts and whines, alleging that your are neglecting her, you should have the good sense to let her move on.  When the time comes to introduce the new woman to your children, do not act as her publicist or promoter.  Let your new girlfriend earn the children’s trust and respect the old-fashioned way—by paying attention to them and appreciating all of their good and lovable qualities.  Remind your new girlfriend that she ought not and cannot replace the children’s mother; but she can become another among the legions of people who love your children.

Negotiate and honor “the non-embarrassment pact.”

Face one simple, inescapable fact: Although post-modern American children understand all about divorce, they still feel ashamed that it is happening to them.  They prefer to keep divorce hidden from their friends, and they feel mortified when you make big public displays of your change in status.  Nothing can make you feel more profligate and degraded than hearing your daughter say off-handedly to her softball teammates, “Yeah, that’s my dad’s new bimbo.  We’ll see how long this one lasts.”  And if your new girlfriend overhears the remark, she has every good reason to change her Facebook status back to “single.”  Of course, public displays of affection make your children’s skin crawl; and even if you suddenly have discovered and liberated your inner love machine, your children do not need to see its multiple manifestations.  The kids vote unanimously for decorum.

Respect the ex.  Do not engage.

The “non-embarrassment pact” has another, equally important set of provisions dedicated to controlling your behavior with your ex-wife.  Even if the ex has sworn lifelong mortal enmity against you, she nevertheless reserves the right to resent, disparage, and belittle any woman you date.  For the children’s sake, do not engage in this discussion—not in public, not on the driveway of the old homestead, and not within reach of sensitive little ears.  By no means should you attempt to defend the new girlfriend, because your attempts at defense will have approximately the same effect as throwing high-octane fuel on an already raging fire.  More than anything, your children expect you to remain their hero and their dad, and you have excellent opportunities to show your courage and character by your refusal to argue with your ex-wife in front of the children.  Write yourself a little note reminding you the ancient Sioux wisdom, “Silence is the cornerstone of character.”  From a strategic standpoint, if your ex-wife cannot provoke you with railing against the new girlfriend, she will give-up the attempts.