HEALTH TIPS, GUIDES AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Should you get back with your ex?

The question must contain at least one hundred sub-questions, and each sub-question probably has the power to change the answer to the bigger question.  For example, if you answer “Yes” to “Do you have children?” then the bigger answer is almost always, yes, you should get back together.  If, on the other hand, you answer “Yes” to the question “Did he abuse you?” then the bigger answer is a resounding “No!”  Even if you zoom-in on the most fundamental question, you probably will discover it, too, has another question hidden inside like those Russian dolls. 

Ask yourself why you think you want to reconcile with your ex.  Press the question a little bit.  Your little voice will insist, ”Because I love him.  I love  him.”  More than a reasonable motive for attempting to reconcile with an ex, but it leaves two questions unanswered: First, you must consider whether or not he loves you, and you further must consider whether or not he loves you enough to give the relationship another try.  If he cheated on you, he may agree to an attempt at reconciliation simply so he can continue having his cake and eating it, too.  If, on the other hand, you broke his tender little heart because you flew into a rage over his apparently congenital inability to raise and lower the toilet seat, then you may have some hope.  Second, are you sure you love him and not the idea of him?  Some women do not feel complete unless they have boyfriends.  Not only do they abhor being alone, but they depend on their boyfriends like they depend on their purses—essential and generally practical fashion accessories.  You may want to reconcile with the ex just because you have him broken-in the way you wish, and you simply do not want to go to the trouble of training another one.  Especially if familiarity and expedience drive your desire to reconcile, the experts say you should move on, because the relationship never will progress.

What will it take to reconcile?

In general, reconciliation will require restoring trust, honesty, and hope.  Are you willing to push through all of the where-did-we-go-wrong? thinking?  Can you confront problems in the relationship without assigning blame and with an open mind about how to fix them?  If you remain convinced it was all your partner’s fault, you should just move on, because your desire to reconcile probably emanates from your wish to win the fight more than it derives from love and affection.  Just as importantly, you gain nothing from confessing all the problems were your fault, because you can change only so much before you begin feeling you are forfeiting the best of your authentic self.  If, however, you and your ex can agree, honestly and objectively, “Yes, we did not communicate very well,” and you further can agree, “Yes, I will return his calls,” and  he can consent, “I will try to respond to her text messages,” then you may make some progress.

In most relationships, when trust, honesty, and hope have broken-down, it is best to declare the relationship a total loss and move on.  Once people start lying to their significant others, they weave such incredibly tangled webs they cannot remember the ways out of their mazes; and they have grown so accustomed to lying they may have forgotten how to recognize and tell the truth.  Most importantly, though, both partners must find courage to face the motive for lying.  Most men lie in relationships to avoid their partners’ disapproval and anger; they think it’s easier “just to tell them what they want to hear.”  Most women lie in relationships from fear of angering their partners; they prefer “going with the flow” to provoking their partners’ dangerous rage.

Most couples conveniently overlook the critical importance of hope in a relationship.  In order for a relationship to thrive, both partners must agree—deep in their hearts and souls, they must agree—the relationship is growing stronger and showing greater promise just about every day.  They further must agree that they have a common sense of purpose and direction for the relationship: Is it leading to marriage and family?  If so, are both partners committed to the same ideals and essentially the same timeline?  Do they feel the same emotions about the future, or is one partner eager and the other one just resigned to the inevitable.  Couples also should recognize that hope does not depend absolutely on the promise of marriage and family.  They can and their love can flourish as easily in a relationship devoted to perfection of their fantasies or a partnership based on common dedication to a shared business.  Partners can love and devote themselves to each other if they have hope they will ascend Mount Everest together.  As long as they feel bound in common cause and have hope they will achieve their goals, the partners enjoy the benefits of hope. 

“More of the same” represents the worst possible outcome.  If you want to reconcile with your ex for the sake of putting things back the way they were and maintaining their stability, then you really should move on.

What will it take to move on?

First and foremost, moving on will require a complete break with the past—turn the page, wipe the slate clean, let it go.  Choose the cliché that works best for you.  You undoubtedly know the concept of “baggage,” also known as the unreconciled issues of the past.  If the break-up has left you with “trust issues” or fear of abandonment, you should not start another relationship until you have restored your capacity for believing in people and having faith they will return.  Most psychologists recommend you take some time for yourself before you form another attachment; and they make the recommendation based on cold calculation.  When you have established your independence and self-sufficiency, you make a better partner.  The adage goes, “Good alone and better together.”  Until you confidently can say you are good alone, you should not venture into a partnership.

Take time to look for patterns in your dating history.  In order genuinely to move on, you may need to change your “shopping” habits.  For example, if you always have dated “bad boys,” and the bad boys always have broken your heart, you must change either your preference or your tolerance for bad boys’ conniving ways.  At the other end of the scale, if you always have gravitated to nice guys who remind you of your brother or your father, you may want to break the mould, acknowledging that “safe” and “boring” frequently are synonyms.  Many women really do carry lists of their requirements in their purses, detailing “must, want, and would be nice.”  Simply taking the time to make the list goes a long way toward clarifying your expectations and establishing your standards for saying “yes.”