HEALTH TIPS, GUIDES AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

How to make your long distance relationship work

Setting aside the complicated questions that spring from internet relationships, consider what happens when your girlfriend goes away to college, your boyfriend is deployed for service in Afghanistan, or your husband goes to work on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico.  You have grown accustomed to—even addicted to—seeing this person, spending time with this person, feeling this person beside you every day.  Now, you face long periods of separation.  Can the relationship stand the strain?

 For many couples, the answer simply is “no.”  Their emotional and physical needs force them either to relax the rules or to let go of the relationship.  In some cases, couples discover they must love one another enough to let go, because doubt, mistrust, and lack of communication will damage the relationship beyond repair.  Some couples can put their relationships “on hiatus” while they attend to life’s demands.  Other couples, however, trust one another enough and feel so closely connected in every way that separation poses no threat whatsoever.  They learn to use e-mail and web-cams to keep the relationship thriving even if they are literally at opposite ends of the Earth.

 Some couples say the distance ironically brings them closer and keeps them together.  They claim that the distance prevents them from taking one another for granted, making them more aware of the temptations all around, and therefore inspiring them to keep the romance fresh and exciting.  These couples stress, when they cannot see one another all the time and they cannot see one another any old time they wish, they cherish their time together and devote more of their attention to expressions of love and affection than to boring, ordinary, everyday “stuff.”

 Are you trustworthy, and do you trust your partner?

The cornerstone of any relationship, trust especially matters in a long-distance relationship.  Geographic distance removes some of the normal constraints on misbehavior.  You and your partner do not travel in the same circle of friends, you don’t frequent the same places, and you may not “see” each other every day.  Therefore, just about every detail of your partner’s everyday life remains invisible to you.  On the other side of the equation, your partner cannot see what you are doing either.  Therefore, you must determine whether you trust your partner enough to focus on the love and let go of the doubt.  You also must examine your own conscience: can your partner trust you?  Do you frequently feel tempted to explore other possibilities in your partner’s absence; or can you stay faithful to “the one”?

 In some long-distance relationships, a “don’t ask and don’t tell” policy works.  Consider it another version of “what you do not know cannot hurt you.”  The policy works, however, only if you have a well-developed capacity for living just in the moment, savoring every minute you spend with your partner and then putting the relationship out of your mind until the next time you can spend time with one another.  You cannot fake it.  If you try pretending that you do not care what your partner does, but all the time the mistrust and worry eat you up inside, the relationship will collapse like a house of cards.

 Can you communicate frequently, honestly, and effectively?

The internet and cellular technology make constant communication easy and inexpensive.  In the old days, long distance telephone rates could bankrupt a relationship both emotionally and financially.  Now, unlimited calling and texting plans and instant messaging have removed the biggest obstacle to regular communication.  With frequency covered, though, you face issues in the quality of your communication.  Can you tell your partner, “He is just a friend from work,” meaning it and making yourself understood?  Alternatively, can you withhold information from your partner without feeling as if you are hiding the truth?  Even more importantly, can you openly and honestly express your feelings, using your conversations and text messages to reinforce your bond with your partner?  It starts with the capacity to say “I love you,” but as time goes by and the distance seems to yawn even wider, can you elaborate your feelings?  Some couples encourage one another to build-up a repertoire of “I love you because…”; other couples start with “I love you more than chocolate,” and then develop a love-language that compares the love against all their favorite things.  Will your boyfriend understand how serious you are when you text him, “I love you more than shoe-shopping?”

How often can you see one another in person?

Psychologists call it “intermittent reinforcement,” saying it is the best way to sustain a high level of motivation over a long period of time.  The idea: When you periodically receive significant rewards for patience and hard work, you naturally feel that your efforts have been rewarded.  The magic word are “periodically” and “significant.”  If you go too long without reward, even the greatest pay-off may seem like too little, too late.  And if the rewards seem small by comparison with the effort, then the entire process loses its value.  Consider two prime examples: You and your partner have not seen one another for nearly six months, but when you meet, you experience unbridled bliss and uncontrollable romance for every precious moment you are together.  Clearly, the reward will sustain you through another six-month separation.  Alternatively, after six months apart, you and your partner meet at a roadside coffee shop and you do nothing but fight about money and the pain of separation.  After than kind of “face time,” neither of you will have much interest in sustaining the relationship.  Both frequency and quality matter.

What about sex?

Sex is pivotal to any romantic relationship. Though not the be-all-and-end-all, sex is said to be one very important act between two people in love. Sex serves as a tantalizer and keeps the relationship fresh and desirable, helps in solving tiffs and is probably the best way to bond with your love-buddy. So many long distance relationships fizzle out or get caught in the cheating-trap because of the lack of this important ingredient in your love-recipe. Now, what’s the solution here? The answer is to keep the sexual tension alive and make sex something you can plan and accomplish when you do meet up with your sweety. Sex messaging, texting, mailing and phone conversations that talk of how much you miss your mate sexually will certainly heat him/her up and at the same time it will create a certain amount of I-wish-I-was-with-you moments. Out of mind may mean out of life too, so just find ways to stay in your beloved’s thoughts at all time. Send him or her gifts and tokens of love at least once a day and send in a naughty message right at the time when you know he/she would be missing you the most. These things cannot and will not compensate for the sex you (and your partner) is missing out on, but it will create the much needed desirability and connect that sex creates.

Ultimately, the successful survival of long distance relationships depend majorly of the love the couple carries in their hearts and the faith and confidence they have in each other and in their relationship. Remember it’s all the two magical words – love and trust.